This blog post was written by Torren Slipais, one of the wonderful models that took part in our What I Wanted to Wear vs What I Wore series. In this very personal piece, Torren explores the complicated relationship he has had with his self-expression and ability to dress the way he has always wanted to when faced with street harassment and a culture that seems to only accept one way of being.

CW: homophobic slurs included in piece

Why are you wearing that? Isn’t that a girl’s top? FAG! You look so gay. Could you look any gayer? Such a fag. Why are your legs so thick? You look sick. Are you gay? You shouldn’t wear that. Don’t wear that. Only women wear those. Wow that’s loud. OMG aren’t you worried about what people will say? Poofter. Faggot. Pussy. Little girl. Such a girl. Are you a boy or a girl? These are among many of the things that have been said to me, by strangers, my whole life. Walking down the street. At work. At a club. At a pub. To put it simply, in public. 

Growing up as a boy, I was always so confused as to what was wrong with being a girl? I never wanted to dress as a girl or be a girl but people always said I acted like one. You then get to an age where the information you’ve been fed your whole life actually becomes your dominating train of thought. I just didn’t know why my appearance gave people a need to make me feel bad about myself and I still couldn’t understand why being described as female was such a bad thing.

I love women. They love us. They are kind and understanding. The will put themselves last without hesitation. They are sensible. They are open minded. They inspire and coach without expecting financial gain. The strongest women you know personally are all of the above and so much more. So yeah. The problem is..? 

I remember being at work once around 15 years ago, when I was 18. I had just left my first full time job after being there for almost 2 years. I had broken up with my boyfriend and became of legal age. It was pretty intense – being gay and not knowing other gay people and suddenly you’re out into the world as an adult. I’d already been out of school for almost 3 years and things were often a rollercoaster.

I was working in a ‘trendy’ fashion store for teenage girls. I had so much fun there. I met another gay guy, the older girls were encouraging and genuine and the younger girls were carefree and fun to have a laugh with. We’d do fashion shows, make up dances to songs and just have fun. I felt pretty good at work. The long bus rides there and back were very boring and super lonely. I couldn’t even use my headphones because they would often be taken off me at some stage during the trip by guys that saw me as an easy target. So being at work became my panic room. I loved being there and finally felt like I had a place where I felt safe and comfortable to be myself.

One day a small child came up and pulled on my cardigan. I looked down and asked the little guy if he was ok. He then asked me if I was a boy or a girl? I was genuinely surprised that a person of that age would even really know about the difference of genders. I was young and naïve so I replied with the obvious answer and he walked away.

As I looked up to smile at his parents, I saw two guys, laughing hysterically. Oh. Now I get it. the little kid had no confusion or care for what I was. He was set up. The boy’s father and his mate were just wanting a laugh.  

I was wearing a long sleeved top, like the ones my dad used to wear, teamed with a bootleg jean and smart casual dress shoe. The cardigan was from work. I wore it because I worked there and didn’t have to pay full price. I did the best I could on the money I was making.

As much as I loved this job, I instantly felt like I wanted to quit and run. I had just been made to feel so bad about myself because of how I look. How I dress. How I was dressed today. How I’ve been dressed for the past couple of weeks. How I was planning to dress until I could afford to buy a new outfit for work. So I panicked. For a moment I doubted who I was. Then I reassured myself that this was nothing new and I would be fine.

This sort of thing then became a regular occurrence. The same guys would walk past with their mates and stand out the front of the store, pointing until I noticed them. Then they’d all laugh and make some sort comment about my appearance. There was even a time when a lovely gent and his daughter were trying to return something that had been worn and I refused to do so. In front of all my staff and about 20 customers, he started yelling things like “oh the stupid little faggot can’t return my item. Too bad this is the best you’ll ever do in your life.” And as hard as it was, I kept my cool, made sure my young teenage staff were away from him and feeling safe and eventually got him to leave the store. He called head office and complained about me. Head office sided with him. He came in for a refund and I had to apologise. I realised then that this sort of treatment was going to be with me for my whole life so I really had to build myself up and be strong. You know the old saying...water off a ducks back.

Over the years I practiced being a Shape Shifter. I would dress to suit the surroundings and would constantly change who I was – what I liked – in order to glide by in the background of a social group. After a while I gave up on groups as I only found one or two individuals that genuinely seemed to like me.

I would still dress as myself but always had every outfit picked out according to who would be there, where it was, who would share a photo, who would text an opinion, who would voice an opinion and what would be said when I left. I had become so fixated on the opinions of others that I would completely struggle to have an authentic experience while out with a group of acquaintances. This made me hate going out to public places and I feel it has heavily contributed to the severe anxiety I feel when out at public events or venues as an adult.

While I have been emotionally and physically insulted for dressing as myself for as long as I can remember, I still have to be grateful for the good times.

There have been some outstanding life experiences that I dreamed of as a child and this eases my mind on many occasions.

And for all of the horrible memories, I still have to be thankful to those involved for what they have taught me. They have shown me how cruel people can be. How dishonest and insulting they can be. How aggressive they can act, more often than not men, in order to make you feel less than. It has helped me know what is right and wrong to say to people and how to make someone feel good about themselves by simply being nice. Most of all it has shown exactly who I don’t want to be and ensure that I will not let any child I know grow up thinking that sort of behaviour is ok.

I wish I could walk down the street with absolute confidence and pride in who I am and what I look like. Every day I try and every day I get a bit stronger. I have blocked out the looks and stares as they don’t mean anything to me anymore. It’s taken me 33 years to weld my armour and I am proud.

However, I still don’t understand why it is such a bad thing for a man to resemble a woman? Why are you afraid? Who are you afraid of?

So don’t comment negatively on the length of her skirt. Don’t call him a bundle of sticks if his makeup is obvious. Don’t teach a child to hate something that they don’t understand. Stop thinking your thoughts are worthy of being heard because you have them. Maybe instead of making that stranger feel terrible about themselves you should just leave them alone.

Leave her alone.

Leave him alone.

Leave me alone.

More than the sum of his parts, Torren is as multi-faceted as they come. The life of the party, his charisma and creativity are infectious, but always allows himself the time out to reflect on life's obstacles instead of allowing them to overwhelm him. Insightful and evolving, Torren patiently navigates a world ten steps ahead of us, determined to be the change the future needs - a space for self-expression and honesty we've never known.

Bio written by Addie Priaulx.

[Erin Lee Holland is an editorial and documentary photographer originally from New Zealand. Currently based in Melbourne, her work applies environmental portraiture with habitats to examine social issues in a way that challenges the traditional format of documental photography. She has contributed various articles to Vice Magazine with her work being published in outlets such as CNN, The Guardian and Frankie, among others.]